Monday, January 08, 2007
i'm back for another one...
I finally pulled through. Only very few people know about this. and even fewer people know how i really feel. and only 2 people are "in-the-know" with the WHY. and only 1 person understands. It was a destructive...experience in my part. I 'almost' crashed but God took hold of me and straightened me out. I was able to shake myself and clear my head during the break and these past few days, I've been in a state of emotional stability. YEY ME! :) anyway, so now i'm okay. I've finally emerged from the crazy state i've been in.
This is, again, one of those rare times i'll share my very personal thoughts. I'm not comfortable with expressing my innermost feelings and thoughts. and i only talk to buz about the really personal stuff that bothers me. but anyway, i'll explain what happened anyway. i DREAMED. i HOPED. i WISHED. and i crashed. i got burned in the face. i didn't get it. it's very hard to explain and even with this "willingness" to share this things, this will still be very vague. I dreamed about it and i wanted it so much but it just wasn't it. maybe i was rushing things. or maybe it's just not that way. i still haven't seen my sign. i'm waiting to see it and it's not yet there though i've already given up. everything happens for a reason but this time, i've turned back and walked away from the waiting. coz it nearly ruined me. there are very few times that i dreamed that way. and it was the FIRST time i wanted that. everything happens for a reason. but i decided i will not let anything take hold of my other dreams and of my life and ruin them. no matter how much i want to forego everything and let myself crash even ONCE, i can't. i've learned to love myself too. and i won't let myself down. maybe you'll think it's negative but for me, it helps: when everyone else is gone, you only have yourself to lean on. [well aside from God]. and that's my thinking that's why i can't crash.
anyway, i just wanted to share that one. if you know my very privvy blog, then you probably know what i mean by that experience. and i'm going to stop talking about it right now.
buz told me i'm the strongest person she ever met. she said it looks like i can pull through anything. i can crash, fall, burn, and rise and everything's okay. she says it's like nothing ever fazes me. that no matter what happens, i somehow end up smiling. i saw Dondi the other night too and he told me he has my picture with ---n. i asked "Nakangiti ba ko dun?" he said "oo naman! Un ang gusto ko sa'yo eh!" i've been thinking [as usual] about why i always smile even when i just realized my inner sufferings and i found out why. It's because i have the idea that no one wants to hang out with someone who's always sad. I have no problem smiling all the time even with all my heartaches because i don't want to be someone who's always sad. i just want to smile. i choose to smile despite all the hidden pains. and after 4 years of mental torture and loneliness, i've opened my eyes and began to draw happiness from the nature and things i see around me. God gave me a lot of reasons to smile and i want to smile for everyone of them.
And it's a tried and tested fact that when you're not smiling, it's more tiring. Frowning facial muscles are a drag. I swear. it's like...SAD. so just smile. I've finally found my inner happiness and it resides in my heart amidst all the hurts i keep inside. i do hope you'll find your inner happiness too :) choose to be happy :)
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Cj, i'm so happy for you. It's so nice to hear of a new love amidst all the heartaches. And i'm really glad you found someone. :) Goodluck, okay? :) Take good care of her! :) Friend yan ng friend ko! hehehehe. =p
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I'm quite contented with my lit notebook grade. At the start of the sem, i had the notion that she doesn't like me. i think it's because she thinks i'm a lazy bum in her class and that i don't take down notes. There was even a time she reprimanded me because i stopped writing and was listening to her. i was already finished copying the notes and i even wrote down what she said so i just pretended to write things. then when she gave back the notebooks this morning, she didn't slam my notebook on the table, she really waited for me to get it from her hands. i was so afraid with the grade and turns out i got a 1.0!!! :) Okay, so it's a small thing. But it is something. I think she's changed her opinion of me because she chose me as the team leader today [something which never ever happened before]. and she mentioned my name in our class coz she was so pissed with my other classmates over their own notes. i guess, at least even a bit, i reached her standards and redeemed myself in her eyes. Thank God. I was actually getting quite tired of the course because i thought i wouldn't do well enough but then she liked my notes so now i'm very motivated.
Now if i can only get THAT motivated with Theo.........
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I'm very confused with my 2nd and 3rd choices for the course. i still have a week to think about it anyway but i want to get my head straightened out over that one.
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My Lord, thank you for helping me get back on track and for helping me straighten out myself. Thank you for helping me get a clear head so that i was finally able to plan out our pol. gov project and arnis thingy. Thank you, Lord. :)
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Take care :)
fire.phoenix.goddess
11:10 PM
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