Friday, January 12, 2007
everything burns...
I am in an unstable...trap. I do not want to like him.
And yet i do. I still do.
I told myself onti na lang.
yes, onti na lang. But that "onti" is still dangerous enough in itself.
I saw him everyday this week.
Mere chance, perhaps?
And i would usually quell the feelings inside and just flit my eyes somewhere else.
It's there - the little bit of happiness in seeing him.
But i just blink my eyes and ignore the knocking in my heart and head.
Bago na naman mga status niya...
"Tama na nga yan (name niya)...hindi naman niya pinapansin."
And last night...i don't know the exact words...si mi kasi ang nakabasa...basta parang hindi na daw siya maghihintay.
And that news - curse me - lifted me up even for a bit.
I know that Mia knows that deep inside i smiled with that news.
But not that much kasi even if he moves on, it doesn't mean that he'll like me, won't he.
Plus...there are a lot of things about him that i don't think i'd like.
'Tis too dangerous to like him much because if suddenly decides to play around, he might see me as the most vulnerable and possible target to trifle around with.
And i'd hurt him back if he hurts me.
And then i've been hearing his name the WHOLE day. Starting with my first class...dahil dun sa movie na pinalabas...hanggang dito sa mga songs...and no matter how much i want to avoid thinking about him...makarinig lang ako ng name niya. talagang space-out and remember.
haaay nako haeja katimangan na talaga yan.
Tapos i didn't see him the whole day. As in. and as much as i hate to admit it even to myself, i missed seeing him. Seeing that swept up 'do.
haaaay nako. and so i went to his classroom just to get a glance. haha. andami nakakita sa'min ni mia, grabe. anyway, wala kasi sila teacher
at that time. pinatawag ko si sis tapos sabi niya wala naman daw nakatingin and so i peered inside the room and saw his back. i quickly darted out outside. and when i turned away, sabi ni sis bigla naman daw tumingin sa'min!!! hay nako. sabi niya baka daw narinig boses ko.
ewan ko lang. haaay nako.
siguro feeler lang siya. or talagang lakas ng vibes niya. pero everytime na tinitignan ko siya, tumitingin din siya!!! Feeling ko talaga nararamdamn niya na nakatingin ako!!! Super na talaga yun.
Ay eto...kasi i've been writing notes to steph na tinatabihan niya...tapos may sulat ako dati:
"Ewan ko ba kung bakit type ko siya...di naman gwapo..."
Eh matagal ko na sinulat un. like last year pa ata...anyway, tapos binalikan niya yun page na un. Sabi niya "Kilala mo ba kung sino yan?" Sabi
ni steph "Hindi!"
Ang feeling ng dating niya eh noh. Hindi ko alam kung inaalam ba niya kung alam ni Steph na siya yun...or inaalam niyang siya un. Hay nako.
FEELER. FEELER. FEELER. bahala ka na nga...gagawa na lang akong homework...
Tama na talaga 'to!!! bagong taon, bagong lovelife, haeja!!! magbuhos dili ka!!!
you know what...i liked you. really liked you. liked you enough to actually care for you. i like a lot of people but it doesn't mean i care for them. i really did start to care for you. just a bit. it's a good thing i didn't fall for you. everything would have been wasted. and everything burns.
fire.phoenix.goddess
10:45 PM
0 lovers
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
whew
this morning i was really itching to shout out loud. blogger won't open. i posted somewhere else. at least i got it out of my system.
i'm moving on!
i'm washing you right out of my hair!
fire.phoenix.goddess
9:58 PM
0 lovers
Monday, January 08, 2007
i'm back for another one...
I finally pulled through. Only very few people know about this. and even fewer people know how i really feel. and only 2 people are "in-the-know" with the WHY. and only 1 person understands. It was a destructive...experience in my part. I 'almost' crashed but God took hold of me and straightened me out. I was able to shake myself and clear my head during the break and these past few days, I've been in a state of emotional stability. YEY ME! :) anyway, so now i'm okay. I've finally emerged from the crazy state i've been in.
This is, again, one of those rare times i'll share my very personal thoughts. I'm not comfortable with expressing my innermost feelings and thoughts. and i only talk to buz about the really personal stuff that bothers me. but anyway, i'll explain what happened anyway. i DREAMED. i HOPED. i WISHED. and i crashed. i got burned in the face. i didn't get it. it's very hard to explain and even with this "willingness" to share this things, this will still be very vague. I dreamed about it and i wanted it so much but it just wasn't it. maybe i was rushing things. or maybe it's just not that way. i still haven't seen my sign. i'm waiting to see it and it's not yet there though i've already given up. everything happens for a reason but this time, i've turned back and walked away from the waiting. coz it nearly ruined me. there are very few times that i dreamed that way. and it was the FIRST time i wanted that. everything happens for a reason. but i decided i will not let anything take hold of my other dreams and of my life and ruin them. no matter how much i want to forego everything and let myself crash even ONCE, i can't. i've learned to love myself too. and i won't let myself down. maybe you'll think it's negative but for me, it helps: when everyone else is gone, you only have yourself to lean on. [well aside from God]. and that's my thinking that's why i can't crash.
anyway, i just wanted to share that one. if you know my very privvy blog, then you probably know what i mean by that experience. and i'm going to stop talking about it right now.
buz told me i'm the strongest person she ever met. she said it looks like i can pull through anything. i can crash, fall, burn, and rise and everything's okay. she says it's like nothing ever fazes me. that no matter what happens, i somehow end up smiling. i saw Dondi the other night too and he told me he has my picture with ---n. i asked "Nakangiti ba ko dun?" he said "oo naman! Un ang gusto ko sa'yo eh!" i've been thinking [as usual] about why i always smile even when i just realized my inner sufferings and i found out why. It's because i have the idea that no one wants to hang out with someone who's always sad. I have no problem smiling all the time even with all my heartaches because i don't want to be someone who's always sad. i just want to smile. i choose to smile despite all the hidden pains. and after 4 years of mental torture and loneliness, i've opened my eyes and began to draw happiness from the nature and things i see around me. God gave me a lot of reasons to smile and i want to smile for everyone of them.
And it's a tried and tested fact that when you're not smiling, it's more tiring. Frowning facial muscles are a drag. I swear. it's like...SAD. so just smile. I've finally found my inner happiness and it resides in my heart amidst all the hurts i keep inside. i do hope you'll find your inner happiness too :) choose to be happy :)
***
Cj, i'm so happy for you. It's so nice to hear of a new love amidst all the heartaches. And i'm really glad you found someone. :) Goodluck, okay? :) Take good care of her! :) Friend yan ng friend ko! hehehehe. =p
***
I'm quite contented with my lit notebook grade. At the start of the sem, i had the notion that she doesn't like me. i think it's because she thinks i'm a lazy bum in her class and that i don't take down notes. There was even a time she reprimanded me because i stopped writing and was listening to her. i was already finished copying the notes and i even wrote down what she said so i just pretended to write things. then when she gave back the notebooks this morning, she didn't slam my notebook on the table, she really waited for me to get it from her hands. i was so afraid with the grade and turns out i got a 1.0!!! :) Okay, so it's a small thing. But it is something. I think she's changed her opinion of me because she chose me as the team leader today [something which never ever happened before]. and she mentioned my name in our class coz she was so pissed with my other classmates over their own notes. i guess, at least even a bit, i reached her standards and redeemed myself in her eyes. Thank God. I was actually getting quite tired of the course because i thought i wouldn't do well enough but then she liked my notes so now i'm very motivated.
Now if i can only get THAT motivated with Theo.........
***
I'm very confused with my 2nd and 3rd choices for the course. i still have a week to think about it anyway but i want to get my head straightened out over that one.
***
My Lord, thank you for helping me get back on track and for helping me straighten out myself. Thank you for helping me get a clear head so that i was finally able to plan out our pol. gov project and arnis thingy. Thank you, Lord. :)
***
Take care :)
fire.phoenix.goddess
11:10 PM
0 lovers
rant
i want to rant...this time because i thought okay na ko.
turns out i'm not.
hay. i hate you. i really hate you. man, i hate you.
fire.phoenix.goddess
10:59 PM
0 lovers
Sunday, January 07, 2007
ranting
I WANT TO RANT.
but since i'm pressed for time, i'm going off :D hehehe. i just wanted to blog lang talaga. aun, sige. ingat!!!
fire.phoenix.goddess
6:44 PM
0 lovers
Monday, December 25, 2006
him
you know what's kind of bothering me right now?
i'm trying to get over this insane crush.
he's such an immature ass. but i still can't get him out.
his smile is deadener.
damn it. when i'm ol, he tries to fill me with his presence.
no damn it. feeler lang ako.
he loves someone else.
i LIKE him.
i'm insane! he's insane! we're all fucked-up fools in this insane world!
sorry, nagddrama lang. for crying out loud...i just want to get him out.
this vacation would be the perfect time.
he texted last night to greet me Merry Christmas. i didn't reply.
He ymed me today to greet me again. AGAIN, i didn't reply.
Will he take the hint and back off?
He ymed me before to thank me for lending him a book. I didn't reply.
Does he not get it?
is he positively naive?
Argh!!! i haaate him. this is crazy.
i like him.
i am so in denial.
but because of what he did...kung dati, 100% ultimate crush ko siya...
ngayon nasa 30% na lang. and i'm not in denial with that one.
if he takes notice of me, will i respond? maybe it will take kind of a long time to trust him again.
insipid immature ass that he is...he hurt me.
whether on purpose or no, that still hurt.
fire.phoenix.goddess
8:40 PM
0 lovers
more
i long for you and have been longing for you for almost a year.
i've been waiting for you to come out and grace me with your presence.
i long for much more knowledge about you,
i long for more news about you...
and this absence...breaks my heart.
Your Expression Number is 8 |
Driven and ambitious, you have the potential to reach great things.You're both good with money and good at getting things done quickly.You are an excellent leader and a great judge of character. Full of energy and confidence, you undertake projects that seem impossible.Dependable and determined, you are able to understand the bigger picture.Even if you are not in a position of power right now, it will fall to you. At times, you can be very materialistic - and obsessed with status and power.While this isn't always a bad thing, you sometimes take it to the extreme.In order to be truly happy, you must balance the material and spiritual in your life. |
Your Dominant Thinking Style: Modifying |
http://images.blogthings.com/whatsyourthinkingstylequiz/modifying.jpg">Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you.You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested.You tend to ground those around you and add stability. |
You Are 36% Open Minded |
http://images.blogthings.com/howopenmindedareyouquiz/open-2.jpg">You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind.You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different...But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong.You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them. |
You are a Believer |
http://images.blogthings.com/whatsyourreligiousphilosophyquiz/believer.jpg">You believe in God and your chosen religion.Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..Your convictions are strong and unwavering.You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone. |
You Are 44% Perfectionist |
http://images.blogthings.com/areyouaperfectionistquiz/perfectionist-3.jpg">No one would call you a perfectionist, but you definitely have a side of you that strives to be perfect.Try to see your mistakes as learning experiences, and don't be so hard on yourself when you screw up! |
You Are 56% Intuitive |
http://images.blogthings.com/howintuitiveareyouquiz/intuitive-3.jpg">Your intuition is often right, and you use it more than you may realize.Your gut feelings are usually a good guide, but you need more to go on when making a decision.You'll often check to see if the facts back up your feelings.And when your intuition is wrong, you work to improve it for the future. |
You Are Sunrise |
http://images.blogthings.com/whattimeofdayareyouquiz/sunrise.jpg">You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be. |
What Time Of Day Are You?
Your Personality Profile |
http://images.blogthings.com/worldsshortestpersonalitytest/green.jpg">You are nurturing, kind, and lucky.Like mother nature, you want to help everyone.You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive. A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker.You are good natured and people enjoy your company.You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you. |
The World's Shortest Personality Test
You Are 44% Lady |
http://images.blogthings.com/areyoualadyquiz/lady-3.jpg">You're part lady, part modern woman.Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly. |
You Are More Mild Than Wild |
http://images.blogthings.com/areyouhotquiz/mild.jpg">You're confident, and you really aren't concerned with how "hot" you are.Other people's ideas of what's sexy don't concern you. And this is exactly what makes you attractive. |
fire.phoenix.goddess
8:22 PM
0 lovers
Sunday, November 05, 2006
last day of the sembreak... :(
It's the start of the sem tomorrow...
It's the start of another period in my dowdy life of grueling papers, teeth-grinding tests, and sleepless nights.
Once more will eyebags grace my queenly face and i will be more tired due to my tight schedule.
Once more heavy, tired thoughts will be placed upon my brow.
Mais oui. I will be perpetually beautiful even with all the pressure.
I've fallen for the break's last week. I have given up the hope of actually recovering but after calming in the waters and letting go of the stress and fears, i have decided i will not break down. i will tread lightly. i just really feel so tired because i did give so much last sem only to have it fall oh-so-short. I'm still feeling unsure. At the start i will be taking tentative steps, light ones, until i tread on leveled ground.
this is bad. it's wrong to start off on a sad tone and a tentative smile.
I feel like i've given away all my carefree smiles last sem...
Sigh. i'm just not happy nor do i feel energetic enough to actually start the sem.
Oh well. i'm so sorry, this doesn't sound like me at all, does it?
Oh it sounds so gloomy and so dark!
I'm so sorry guys if you've read this.
I hope I didn't pull you down with my gloominess. Just smile, okay guys?
Okay so maybe this is just the sad side of my face that people hardly ever see.
Just forget about this. I know i'll be fine...
Just smile, guys! :)
i hope you'll have a great sem! :)
bye!
fire.phoenix.goddess
3:59 PM
0 lovers
Saturday, November 04, 2006
what a day.. we went to cavite beach today, i got burned by a jellyfish!!!!!!!!!!!
i know i said i'm going on a blog-leave. oh i am. i'm going on a multiply blog-leave because i have to. because i'm too confused to actually blog something worthwhile...
i'm waiting for my pics in multiply to publish but it's taking so long...
hay i'm tired and i do need rest...i just need to lay down.
my dad taught me how to meditate in the water, how to relax and how to let the tide wash over you while you let everything fall away. i tried, yes i did, while trying to keep the salty water out of my eyes and while trying to breathe as much as i can [which has been very hard]. i'm happy he taught me that exercise. :)
i knew it. i just need a couple of days away from him and i already detached. i know i'll probably go gaga once may mangyari na naman but i do hope na walang mangyari so i can just move on. Let me be, i plead.
thou art a confusion.
thou art a my bane.
yet thou maketh me smileth
like a doofeth
argh.
fire.phoenix.goddess
9:40 PM
0 lovers