Friday, January 12, 2007
everything burns...
I am in an unstable...trap. I do not want to like him.
And yet i do. I still do.
I told myself onti na lang.
yes, onti na lang. But that "onti" is still dangerous enough in itself.
I saw him everyday this week.
Mere chance, perhaps?
And i would usually quell the feelings inside and just flit my eyes somewhere else.
It's there - the little bit of happiness in seeing him.
But i just blink my eyes and ignore the knocking in my heart and head.
Bago na naman mga status niya...
"Tama na nga yan (name niya)...hindi naman niya pinapansin."
And last night...i don't know the exact words...si mi kasi ang nakabasa...basta parang hindi na daw siya maghihintay.
And that news - curse me - lifted me up even for a bit.
I know that Mia knows that deep inside i smiled with that news.
But not that much kasi even if he moves on, it doesn't mean that he'll like me, won't he.
Plus...there are a lot of things about him that i don't think i'd like.
'Tis too dangerous to like him much because if suddenly decides to play around, he might see me as the most vulnerable and possible target to trifle around with.
And i'd hurt him back if he hurts me.
And then i've been hearing his name the WHOLE day. Starting with my first class...dahil dun sa movie na pinalabas...hanggang dito sa mga songs...and no matter how much i want to avoid thinking about him...makarinig lang ako ng name niya. talagang space-out and remember.
haaay nako haeja katimangan na talaga yan.
Tapos i didn't see him the whole day. As in. and as much as i hate to admit it even to myself, i missed seeing him. Seeing that swept up 'do.
haaaay nako. and so i went to his classroom just to get a glance. haha. andami nakakita sa'min ni mia, grabe. anyway, wala kasi sila teacher
at that time. pinatawag ko si sis tapos sabi niya wala naman daw nakatingin and so i peered inside the room and saw his back. i quickly darted out outside. and when i turned away, sabi ni sis bigla naman daw tumingin sa'min!!! hay nako. sabi niya baka daw narinig boses ko.
ewan ko lang. haaay nako.
siguro feeler lang siya. or talagang lakas ng vibes niya. pero everytime na tinitignan ko siya, tumitingin din siya!!! Feeling ko talaga nararamdamn niya na nakatingin ako!!! Super na talaga yun.
Ay eto...kasi i've been writing notes to steph na tinatabihan niya...tapos may sulat ako dati:
"Ewan ko ba kung bakit type ko siya...di naman gwapo..."
Eh matagal ko na sinulat un. like last year pa ata...anyway, tapos binalikan niya yun page na un. Sabi niya "Kilala mo ba kung sino yan?" Sabi
ni steph "Hindi!"
Ang feeling ng dating niya eh noh. Hindi ko alam kung inaalam ba niya kung alam ni Steph na siya yun...or inaalam niyang siya un. Hay nako.
FEELER. FEELER. FEELER. bahala ka na nga...gagawa na lang akong homework...
Tama na talaga 'to!!! bagong taon, bagong lovelife, haeja!!! magbuhos dili ka!!!
you know what...i liked you. really liked you. liked you enough to actually care for you. i like a lot of people but it doesn't mean i care for them. i really did start to care for you. just a bit. it's a good thing i didn't fall for you. everything would have been wasted. and everything burns.
fire.phoenix.goddess
10:45 PM
0 lovers
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
whew
this morning i was really itching to shout out loud. blogger won't open. i posted somewhere else. at least i got it out of my system.
i'm moving on!
i'm washing you right out of my hair!
fire.phoenix.goddess
9:58 PM
0 lovers
Monday, January 08, 2007
i'm back for another one...
I finally pulled through. Only very few people know about this. and even fewer people know how i really feel. and only 2 people are "in-the-know" with the WHY. and only 1 person understands. It was a destructive...experience in my part. I 'almost' crashed but God took hold of me and straightened me out. I was able to shake myself and clear my head during the break and these past few days, I've been in a state of emotional stability. YEY ME! :) anyway, so now i'm okay. I've finally emerged from the crazy state i've been in.
This is, again, one of those rare times i'll share my very personal thoughts. I'm not comfortable with expressing my innermost feelings and thoughts. and i only talk to buz about the really personal stuff that bothers me. but anyway, i'll explain what happened anyway. i DREAMED. i HOPED. i WISHED. and i crashed. i got burned in the face. i didn't get it. it's very hard to explain and even with this "willingness" to share this things, this will still be very vague. I dreamed about it and i wanted it so much but it just wasn't it. maybe i was rushing things. or maybe it's just not that way. i still haven't seen my sign. i'm waiting to see it and it's not yet there though i've already given up. everything happens for a reason but this time, i've turned back and walked away from the waiting. coz it nearly ruined me. there are very few times that i dreamed that way. and it was the FIRST time i wanted that. everything happens for a reason. but i decided i will not let anything take hold of my other dreams and of my life and ruin them. no matter how much i want to forego everything and let myself crash even ONCE, i can't. i've learned to love myself too. and i won't let myself down. maybe you'll think it's negative but for me, it helps: when everyone else is gone, you only have yourself to lean on. [well aside from God]. and that's my thinking that's why i can't crash.
anyway, i just wanted to share that one. if you know my very privvy blog, then you probably know what i mean by that experience. and i'm going to stop talking about it right now.
buz told me i'm the strongest person she ever met. she said it looks like i can pull through anything. i can crash, fall, burn, and rise and everything's okay. she says it's like nothing ever fazes me. that no matter what happens, i somehow end up smiling. i saw Dondi the other night too and he told me he has my picture with ---n. i asked "Nakangiti ba ko dun?" he said "oo naman! Un ang gusto ko sa'yo eh!" i've been thinking [as usual] about why i always smile even when i just realized my inner sufferings and i found out why. It's because i have the idea that no one wants to hang out with someone who's always sad. I have no problem smiling all the time even with all my heartaches because i don't want to be someone who's always sad. i just want to smile. i choose to smile despite all the hidden pains. and after 4 years of mental torture and loneliness, i've opened my eyes and began to draw happiness from the nature and things i see around me. God gave me a lot of reasons to smile and i want to smile for everyone of them.
And it's a tried and tested fact that when you're not smiling, it's more tiring. Frowning facial muscles are a drag. I swear. it's like...SAD. so just smile. I've finally found my inner happiness and it resides in my heart amidst all the hurts i keep inside. i do hope you'll find your inner happiness too :) choose to be happy :)
***
Cj, i'm so happy for you. It's so nice to hear of a new love amidst all the heartaches. And i'm really glad you found someone. :) Goodluck, okay? :) Take good care of her! :) Friend yan ng friend ko! hehehehe. =p
***
I'm quite contented with my lit notebook grade. At the start of the sem, i had the notion that she doesn't like me. i think it's because she thinks i'm a lazy bum in her class and that i don't take down notes. There was even a time she reprimanded me because i stopped writing and was listening to her. i was already finished copying the notes and i even wrote down what she said so i just pretended to write things. then when she gave back the notebooks this morning, she didn't slam my notebook on the table, she really waited for me to get it from her hands. i was so afraid with the grade and turns out i got a 1.0!!! :) Okay, so it's a small thing. But it is something. I think she's changed her opinion of me because she chose me as the team leader today [something which never ever happened before]. and she mentioned my name in our class coz she was so pissed with my other classmates over their own notes. i guess, at least even a bit, i reached her standards and redeemed myself in her eyes. Thank God. I was actually getting quite tired of the course because i thought i wouldn't do well enough but then she liked my notes so now i'm very motivated.
Now if i can only get THAT motivated with Theo.........
***
I'm very confused with my 2nd and 3rd choices for the course. i still have a week to think about it anyway but i want to get my head straightened out over that one.
***
My Lord, thank you for helping me get back on track and for helping me straighten out myself. Thank you for helping me get a clear head so that i was finally able to plan out our pol. gov project and arnis thingy. Thank you, Lord. :)
***
Take care :)
fire.phoenix.goddess
11:10 PM
0 lovers
rant
i want to rant...this time because i thought okay na ko.
turns out i'm not.
hay. i hate you. i really hate you. man, i hate you.
fire.phoenix.goddess
10:59 PM
0 lovers
Sunday, January 07, 2007
ranting
I WANT TO RANT.
but since i'm pressed for time, i'm going off :D hehehe. i just wanted to blog lang talaga. aun, sige. ingat!!!
fire.phoenix.goddess
6:44 PM
0 lovers